Monday, July 18, 2011

Faith

*Note: I know pretty much the same people read my personal blog and this blog. But since this blog is supposed to be for my thoughts and hobbies, I thought that I would share this post here too. I originally posted it last week on my personal blog.

First of all, this is a post that will primarily be me rambling. I have had many thoughts the last couple days on the topics of Faith and Gratitude. Most are connected to each other but I know that there is no way that they will come out coherently and with easy flow on the blog.

Lately, I have been reading the conference talks from April...Yes, I know, I am behind, but with a newborn, I have just barely started having time. Anyway, on Saturday, I started reading Elder Russell M. Nelson's talk Face the Future with Faith. His talk as well as the past couple Sunday's church lessons and talks seem to have been directed right at me. So for a short precursor.

Those of you that I have actually read my blog may recall that last June I did a short little blurb on prayer. I just basically mentioned that prayer really does work and that I have always struggled with turning to prayer first. I always eventually turn to prayer but I struggle with praying when initially faced with a struggle or problem. Anyway, at that time I had been having some serious doubts and struggles in my life. Now, for the last several months, I have been struggling again. As usual, I don't give any details on the blog, but it has been rough. So, that is part of where my thoughts are stemming from. The other part I have also mentioned in various other posts. That part stems from the amount of death I have had to face/overcome in my life.

So, a few Sundays ago, in Relief Society at church we focused on and discussed the The Family: A Proclamation to the World. Yesterday at church, our bishop gave a very personal talk on recognizing God's Tender Mercies in our lives. Then in Relief Society our lesson was on Eternal Marriage. All of these combine with Elder Nelson's talk have struck to the core with me and are all connected.

Not in any order, I am going to give a brief background of each of these lessons/talks...the part of each that stood out to me the most. In our lesson on The Family: A Proclamation, the main point that I remember most is the discussion about how marriage and children are not the "main" trends in the world today. In our lesson on Eternal Marriage, two things stuck to me: 1) Those married in the temple have a better reason or more reasons to not let petty differences or disagreements end their marriage; and 2) Having a temple marriage does not ensure an "easy" marriage-All marriages require work. In our bishop's talk, he discussed openly the financial hardship and ruin that he and his family were facing last summer. Their may have been people in the ward that knew of this; I did not. Anyway, during this time in their lives, at a family home evening, they encouraged/challenged each other to keep a gratitude journal. So he said that throughout the day, instead of focusing on not having food or money for gas or other trials, they would write down the everything that they came across that they DID have and that they were grateful for...hence Recognizing God's Tender Mercies in our lives.

Finally, in Elder Nelson's talk, he discussed at least 3 ways that we should teach our families of faith. He then asked and stated, "Why do we need such resilient faith? Because difficult days are ahead. Rarely in the future will it be easy or popular to be a faithful Latter-Day Saint. Each of us will be tested. The Apostle Paul warned that in the latter days, those who diligently follow the Lord 'shall suffer persecution.' That very persecution can either crush you into silent weakness or motivate you to be more exemplary and courageous in your daily lives. How you deal with life's trials is part of the development of your faith. Strength comes when you remember that you have a divine nature, an inheritance of infinite worth." A little later in his talk he commented on the blessings of the temple. He then quoted President Monson, " Though storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith."

As I sit here thinking as I type (not a good combination), I realize how truly jumbled this all is, and I realize that many of you will probably figure out some of the struggles that I have been having. Anyway, I will speak in general terms. Lately, and in general, I have been struggling hugely with the concept of marriage. I have had 3 really really close personal friends go through divorce, 2 Latter-day Saints and one non-member, all not married in the temple. And in the 6 years that Dale and I have been married, we have seen several friends' temple marriages end in divorce. I am not in any way judging or criticizing these friends. In most cases, I know the whole situation and I firmly support their decisions to divorce. However, seeing so many, has been a struggle for me. So I am very grateful for those lessons on The Family: A Proclamation and Eternal Marriage and their "positive reinforcement" that I need to hear right now.

Now, today, July 11th, marks 5 years since I got the oh so dreaded phone call that, not one but two, family members had been killed in a car crash. I would like to highlight that day, for the first time ever. It is a day I WILL never forget. It was a Tuesday. I had just started my 2nd block of summer courses in my first semester of my Master's degree program-the first block had ended in June. At the time I was also promoted to a Residential Supervisor at Ark Regional Services where I was working full time for the summer months. My morning class was an MBA computer technology type class. It was supposed to end by 915 but I had a meeting at 920 at work, so I was trying to leave class early, but the teacher was handing back an exam. I really wanted my test and score. So I waited and then had to rush to my meeting. I was thrilled with my exam; it was an A. Anyway, I finished my meeting went home and worked on homework and had lunch. At 1 PM, I went to work. About 30 minutes later, my grandmother called and said that my grandfather had a taken a turn for the worse but he was stabilized and they were moving him home on hospice. She told me that he probably wouldn't last long and that if I wanted to see him, I should really try to come down. I told her that even if I had to quit my job, I would be there that weekend. That conversation set off another serious of multiple calls to my dad and brother. I relayed everything my grandmother (my mom's mom, which is why she didn't call my dad directly) had told me. Through 2 or 3 phone calls (all of which I was working with a client), we decided that we would all meet up at my grandmother's on that Saturday. I called my grandmother back and told her our plans. All of this happened fairly quickly--within an hour at the most...Trust me, if you knew my dad, an hour is quick phone conversations. So by 230 at the latest, I was off the phone and working directly with my client. About 330, my phone would ring about every 20 to 30 minutes consistently. The caller ID said my dad's name and number. I would answer and there would be nothing on the other end.

By 5 PM, all 5 of my clients were home as well as my co-worker and we were eating dinner. Over dinner and between conversations with my clients, I was telling Anne, my co-worker about my grandfather and asking her if she could fill in last minute for me if something happened. All the while, my dang cell phone with my dad's number was ringing. Those of you that know me, know that I have been known to have a short temper in my past...especially with my dad. So after nearly 2 hours of his number calling me with nothing, I was TICKED to say the least. Anyway, we all finished dinner, and I left with one of my clients to do grocery shopping for the next week...not a short or easy task when shopping for the disabled and usually 8 people per meal. My client and I made it through the store, and we were all but done. I was signing my name on the store's copy of my grocery charge, when the dreaded phone call came. Jan, a great family friend, fellow church member from home, my parents' banker, called me. It was one of those phone calls that you knew something was wrong instinctively. For one, Jan would NEVER ever have a reason to call me. Seeing his number on my ID was a shock alone. His first and only words were, "Jennifer?" I knew then something was wrong. He was struggling so hard to just say my name. Well, then he proceeded to tell me that earlier that afternoon, my dad and brother were killed in an accident.

Remember I was in the grocery store check out. I managed to stay on my feet. But nothing could stop the tears that instantly flooded my face and my chin from quivering. You knew that everyone in the line knew that something was wrong though they didn't hear the conversation. I was then struck with the task of still carrying out my job's responsibilities; getting myself, my client, the company car, and the groceries back to the house in a SAFE manner. I remember every action: signing my name on the receipt, pushing the cart to the car, the bagger chasing me down because I forgot my receipt copy, loading the groceries, trying to call Dale while driving back, calling my boss, getting mad when neither answered and throwing my phone across the car, getting back to the house, Anne telling my to just go (not knowing what had happened just seeing my tears--assuming it was my grandfather), me leaving and going home to tell Dale and face my grandmother's over the phone. I remember it all, surprisingly, and yet I KNOW I was operating in shock. After a while, I finally quit crying...I just had no more tears. Both Dale and I quickly emailed our professors, then packed our bags. Dale drove. I knew I was in no condition. We made it back to my hometown about midnight...physically, emotionally, and for me, spiritually drained.

The next few days were a blur, but I remember them. Every detail. Every visit. Every conversation or phone call. Yes, I still had Dale, but I felt literally alone. My family was gone. Anyway, to finish the story, the next few days, I was faced with making dual funeral arrangements, typing obituaries, dealing with all the other stresses. On that Thursday, about a day and half later, I was printing the obituaries to be read at the funerals. My grandmother called to tell me that my grandpa had passed away on Wednesday, the previous day. More tears. Etc. You get the idea.

So, to tie this all together (maybe). Before leaving Laramie to head home, Dale and I had a "family" prayer. He prayed. That is all I remember. The next morning, we woke up at Jan's family house, I asked Dale and Jan to give me a blessing before Jan had to go to work. I don't remember the words of either prayer; I don't remember who anointed and who pronounced the blessing; I DO remember I felt peace and comfort after both. I admit that I did not immediately sit down as our good bishop directed yesterday and write down my blessings and gratitudes. I was by know means to that point yet. I just know that I wasn't angry or bitter. The only 2 "gratitudes" that I could come up with were 1) none of the 3 men in my life suffered...they all died quickly and 2) all of them could be reunited again.

Last Fall when our ward member, Nick, was injured and paralyzed, I wrote a blog about not asking Why when something happens. Over the years, I have been asked how I deal with everything, how can I be happy, how can I not be angry. I have been called strong, special, brave, and other such descriptions. Perhaps I am. I am not saying I am perfect. I have dealt with the sadness, the loneliness, the depression, the anger. I am here to say that I agree with my bishop. In times of trial or hardship, you will be better able to deal with the trial or hardship and have more faith, if you look first at the blessing or tender mercies of God in your life. As Elder Nelson said, it is the How we deal that develops our faith.

Here is what I know. I am not perfect. I have days when I just want to sit and cry. There isn't a day that I don't miss my family. But to answer the question of "how can I deal with it all," prayer and faith. The ONLY way that I have survived the last 6.5 years (going back to when my mom passed), is by faith. I have faith that my family is all in a better place, that performing the temple work in 2007 has made us an eternal family (as long as I am worthy), that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and that I am where I am supposed to be. Our future truly is "as bright as our faith."

I know I rambled. I know it probably makes no sense to anyone else. But these four near past lessons, have truly helped me overcome yet another HUGE struggle and obstacle in my life

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